|  Author | Topic: post your jokes (Read 563 times) |
helljumper1
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|  | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #15 on Mar 14, 2005, 5:49pm » | |
jokes jokes more jokes
two brunetts and a blond are in the hospital about to give birth the one brunett sais "i was on by back so im going to have a girl" the other brunett sais "i was on top so im gonna have a boy" the blond looks confused for a seccond then stated " im going to have puppies"
sorry i couldnt resist lol
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Acer
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|  | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #16 on Mar 15, 2005, 9:24am » | |
One Hungry Bush...
One day George W. Bush and thingy Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
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helljumper1
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english mother @!$%#^ do you speak it!!!
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #17 on Mar 15, 2005, 5:34pm » | |
hehe good one
how do you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Hand her a shovel
im a dishwasher at a restaurant so that is where i got that from
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Acer
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #18 on Mar 16, 2005, 9:30am » | |
Funny joke there.
Blonde Braincells...
How do blondes' brain cells die?
Alone.
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helljumper1
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english mother @!$%#^ do you speak it!!!
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #19 on Mar 16, 2005, 12:51pm » | |
ok so there is this guy and he is blond he comes home from work to find his kids in the kitchen alone he is concirned so he goes up stairs to find his wife he walks into his bedroom to find his wife nekkid on the bed swetting and out of breath the kids downstairs start screeming whan all of a sudden his brother falls out of the closit also nekkid he yells "what are you doing neckid in my closit my wife is having a heartattack for gods sake do something"
sorry couldnt think of a better one
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Acer
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #20 on Mar 16, 2005, 10:47pm » | |
The CIA Had An Opening For An Assassin...
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Rofl.
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helljumper1
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english mother @!$%#^ do you speak it!!!
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #21 on Mar 17, 2005, 9:02am » | |
haha oh man i got in trouble for that one i read it during class and the teacher yelled at me haha it was worth it
 
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Acer
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #22 on Mar 18, 2005, 11:16am » | |
500 Lawyers In The Ocean...
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
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helljumper1
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english mother @!$%#^ do you speak it!!!
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #23 on Mar 21, 2005, 2:41pm » | |
what do you have when there are 9 lawers buried up to their neck in sand?
not enough sand
irish humor
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just beenb run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken; his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little $hit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and
a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you
know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs
the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It
was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh,
Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn
gun...'"
AND THE BEST FOR LAST A
drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin;
>there's no paper on this side either."
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Acer
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #24 on Mar 27, 2005, 6:00pm » | |
Soccer Blonde:
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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Abaddon
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #25 on Apr 1, 2005, 1:57am » | |
God DAMNIT people, whats with all the insult jokes?
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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helljumper1
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #26 on Apr 12, 2005, 11:04am » | |
good one i heard that before but its good
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Acer
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #27 on Aug 22, 2005, 4:42pm » | |
Awesome joke there.
Ol' McBlondie:
A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"
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"Do not be betrayed by the two warriors! Live within yourself, and you might get the point." -Acer
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helljumper1
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english mother @!$%#^ do you speak it!!!
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #28 on Oct 10, 2005, 7:57pm » | |
you are stuck at the bottom of a large hole you are not alone in the pit with you is a tiger a bear and a lawer you have a gun but only two bullets what do you shoot ?
the lawer twice
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Acer
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| | Re: post your jokes
« Reply #29 on Jan 8, 2006, 12:13am » | |
Nice joke, ROFL!
If You Had What I Have:
A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.
"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"
"50 cents."
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"Do not be betrayed by the two warriors! Live within yourself, and you might get the point." -Acer
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